Entry 77

Love. Separate. Repeat.

Ingo has to hurry. He certainly has a lot of catching up to do, having recently been released from prison where he served five years for copyright piracy. That’s why he’s now plunging right into life. Because also in matters of relationships and love, of course, things haven’t been going anywhere in the past. Today, the next best pub is therefore immediately good enough for Ingo. Feverishly, he lets his searching gaze wander over those people present. The pressure to make up for the time lost is intense, Ingo is accordingly nervous, he already can feel sweat on his tense face – hectically he strikes a match for a quick cigarette, which is supposed to loosen his initial inhibitions at least a little. A few seconds later, in barely three hasty breaths, he has already inhaled his fag, because at last his restless glance has fallen upon a single unescorted lady at the bar, whom he immediately approaches with determined steps. Without delay, he initiates eye contact and addresses the surprised woman straightforwardly: “Hello, I’m Ingo…”; and at the same time, his stare literally absorbs all the features of her face in fractions of a second: Quickly he scans her hair, her well-proportioned face, the bright eyes, the shapely lips, her shining teeth. And in the same fractions of a second Ingo also has made up his mind, adding to his greeting: “…I love you, I want to have a child with you!” Therefore he puts on his most engaging flirting face, so that his amazed counterpart, speechless but amused, is visibly entertained by this brilliant pick-up line. But the matter is very serious to Ingo. He knows he has broken the initial ice, now it is high time to let things become committed: “Well, now that we’re going to have children together…, I wanted to ask you…, will you marry me?” he continues, looking faithfully into the now increasingly perplexed face of his chosen lady. The latter must visibly struggle to even find her voice for a somewhat appropriate answer – a tension that Ingo, in his haste and compulsion to achieve, can no longer endure. His whole body tingles and vibrates. Almost thrown off his game by this, he virtually snatches the glass of beer that the bartender is about to serve out of that man’s hand and downs it in a few gulps. In doing so, a terrible thought seizes him: Things are not going as he had expected! And without delay, he also informs his still-surprised beloved of this discomfort: “Well, you know, I think we really should have a talk about our relationship…” By now his entire body has been seized by rising nervousness and his bladder relentlessly calls; uttering “I’ll be right back!” Ingo flees in a flash to the men’s room, even before his potential sweetheart is able to object with a single further remark. Emptying the troubled bladder, barely hitting the flush, closing the fly, it’s almost one continuous action nonstop. For Ingo is already back at the bar next to his intended fiancée, but his thoughts have started to darken. “Look, this can’t go on, I mean, lately we just haven’t had anything to say to each other…” he confronts her about her quietness in the past few moments. And finally, she manages to break the silence: Now, wait a minute…!” she tries to object, irritated. But with that she now hits the completely wrong side of Ingo: “No, it’s too late, don’t try to stop me!” he blurts out with bitterness, “There’s just too much that’s broken between us!” A terrible reality, of which he himself also becomes completely aware right in those seconds. And thus he consequently finishes: “It’s over, bye!” – and he ends this whole unsuccessful relationship initiation, which again has yielded him no success. It’s only a few instants, but then he can already be heard again – somewhere in the background, obviously already relentlessly on his way to a new target: “Hi, I’m Ingo, I love you…!”

You can find the corresponding video clip HERE (Link to YouTube) [Only German version available]

This informational short film lasting just 44 seconds including credits (!!!) was once produced by Zukunft Kino Marketing GmbH [Future Cinema Marketing GmbH] at the beginning of the current millennium in order to warn in a funny as well as reflective way about the consequences of criminal actions.

However, I believe that for this kind of depicted neediness (and the resulting mania) no crime or even a long prison sentence is required, but that we can all find ourselves unexpectedly and rather mundanely at some point in Ingo’s shoes; and that most of us (hand on heart) have probably already experienced ourselves – or concerning another person close to us – how we have slithered through an “Ingo-relationship”. “Relationships,” in other words, that like a kind of fast-forward lasted in this way perhaps only a few weeks or months.

But especially “we”, who identify with a philosophy of ethical multiple relationships, are, in my view, more challenged than the followers of a normal-mononormative¹ relationship initiation when dealing with this phenomenon.

Why? Because we are more confronted with that risk?
I don’t believe that, because in a mononormative¹ world ( in spite of the noble assertions to the contrary) there is no safeguard against such seriality, too. And that’s why the clip also works in the cinema: Ingo, that’s the eternal seeker; one who always slips into one romantic entanglement after the next, only to find himself – after he thinks he has just unravelled the last thread – once again standing in front of a pile of shreds. Self-generated shreds, caused by careless activity due to impulsiveness and an enormous high pace as a result.

I fear, however, that “for us multiple relationship supporters” both the imponderability of collateral damage is much higher, and even more so the danger of profoundly messing up the values that underlie our relationship philosophy in such a way. Which, in both cases, will ensure an equally profound hangover to our disadvantage – from which we ourselves will suffer the most.
Apart from that, we of the “multiple-relationship people” still have to work against a perception gap in society as a whole, which still assumes that we, who for example occasionally adorn ourselves with the term “multiple love” (Poly-Amory), that Ingo probably represents the prime example of such multiplicity in love: Constantly on the move from blossom to blossom, always needy, never constant, never “satisfied with only one partner”, permanently “on the go” and thus not patient enough to offer depth and scope to a true relationship…

So what is it about “Doing the Ingo”?

Since I have just recently committed an “Ingo” myself, I would like to draw on my own experience with it – and at the same time I would like to acknowledge that the creators of the above-mentioned cinema spot were quite precise in their knowledge of human nature as well as in their talent for observation, which enabled them to capture quite a few all-too-human aspects in the short amount of time they did cover.

For example, when I meet a person, I know for myself relatively quickly whether it is “love” as far as I am concerned. For many other people, however, this is quite astonishing, especially how “quickly” I can claim an asset like “love” for myself while still largely unaware of the other person.
On this bLog, however, I have already described (Entry 67) that I consider “love” for myself as a kind of energy; an energy, in a way, that flows from me to the other person. For this purpose, so that this energy will flow from me, it requires a – as I usually say – “sublimely metaphysical component”, which in my opinion roughly corresponds to the “spark of infatuation” and is composed on my behalf of an olfactory-haptic-energetic overall sensory impression plus a “feeling of familiarity” regarding my counterpart (by the way, I interpret most of this mainly as an indication of my [heightened] sensitivity).
Even if it is somewhat exaggeratedly satirized in the short clip: This approach also seems to be inherent to Ingo. He has met an interesting person, very quickly his senses have gathered an overall impression – and something inside him says “Yes”. And since he perceives this inner “Yes”, he can consequently also express “I love you” on his behalf, since this indicates to him that he can now enter into a “process of initiating a relationship”.
At this point I have much sympathy for Ingo, since I too would never be able to get involved in such a process with any person in whom I would not a) be strongly interested and for this b) feel extremely high sympathy, affection, fondness, goodwill – call it what you will, I call it love.

In the same sentence, however, when he nimbly attaches the question of procreation to his confession of love, Ingo strays onto an unfavourable path. And it is right there already, where – in my opinion – the greatest part of the drama that follows lies hidden: Ingo obviously already has his own, quite determined plans.
This is fatal in several ways. Because with that, he immediately knocked over a whole shelf full of solid multiple relationship values. Transparency (his counterpart did not know anything about his plans until now), consensuality and mutual agreement (Ingo has obviously already made completely autonomous decisions for all parties involved), eye level and equality (Ingo has apparently already established himself as the authority who is allowed to make these announcements) as well as responsibility (which, especially for such profound and long-term decisions in a relationship, should in any case be a multilateral responsibility for the entire relationship). On top of that – and to quote my Entry 19 – Ingo has already completely left the area of the only important moment at the beginning of any getting-to-know-each-other, which is the “Here & Now”. By which he has unaware just lost his openness and flexibility for what could happen right from the moment of his self-revealing confession of love.
In an unfortunate move, Ingo, in order to present himself as a potentially good partner and companionship person (and certainly to emphasize it), gambles away several other (multiple) relationship qualities that he probably possesses: He tries to show his readiness for a long-term commitment at an early stage and thus his willingness to engage intensively in the relationship – thus also claiming the important value of loyalty.

Only…., at the relevant point in time, there is no relationship in a proper sense yet! Ingo confuses his inwardly felt positive declaration of intent already with the entirety which still has to be built in the future. An “entirety”, to which he then could contribute, but which as is known only becomes an entirety through the sum of its parts (with shares therefore, which will not only be his alone).

Ingo’s counterpart thus also does not get a chance to experience the moment with Ingo unrestrictedly in the “Here & Now” – and to explore from there how the further (joint?) journey could possibly proceed. Ok, in favour of Ingo are his wit, his rather forthright sincerity, and certainly his ambitions for a sustainable long-term relationship. But there is also an “obscured” part of him, in which he is in a way patronizing and inflexible. And in this part, his own needs are almost the only decisive ones. In front of himself Ingo can probably justify this very easily with his already wasted life time; “good reasons” therefore probably for him – which, in turn, are not known to the other side and therefore make his behaviour seem all the more difficult to predict ( on our “good personal reasons”, which do not always have to be so “good” for the others, see in detail Entry 11).
A need that has not been met for a very long time can furthermore easily even develop trauma energy, out of which a person can be perceived all the more as somehow driven and additionally quite inflexible, since long accumulated trauma energies have created real “highways” in the network of pathways of our inner nervous system, from which an “exit” can only be found by great effort, consciousness and more often only with outside assistance.²

Ingo’s counterpart reacts to this ambivalence with corresponding puzzlement. And Ingo senses this instinctively: The “thing is not going as expected”.
But now that Ingo has ventured far ahead with his “declaration of love”, his “inner controller” reacts to this ambivalence with uncertainty and fear – whereby this entity has all too easy a game due to Ingo’s highly nervous tension.
A stirring rational part even tries to gain the upper hand once again for a brief moment, when the sentence “…talk about our relationship…” somewhat irritably bursts out of him. Yes, he even tries, because he can hardly bear his own tension any more, to get some kind of additional “time out” (the toilet break).
But unfortunately, he has long since passed the right moment to hold his horses (e.g. to give the other person enough time or to listen himself). Since in this way he receives no further (helpful or appeasing) information for himself, he remains trapped in the racing whirlpool of thoughts of his own inner workings, which from now on only drags him further down.

Back at the bar, all his limits are altogether transgressed: From his point of view, Ingo did not experience any accommodating gestures from his counterpart; on the contrary, he was able to read uncertainty and indecisiveness there. Since he himself claims admission and loyalty as important values, he registers “nothing” of the kind on the other side. His initially felt confidence to meet a companion who is sympathetically familiar to him and therefore somehow similar, crumbles at the same pace as his inner critic whispers to him that with this potential partner all other longed-for goals such as a relationship or children will certainly not be achievable (otherwise there would have been certainly a storm of approval by now…).
Indeed, it’s “too late”. By his muddled demeanour, Ingo has conjured up exactly the fears about himself that have been throbbing in a hidden place inside him all along, and made them “come true”: His fear of being left on the shelf, of not being seen as a whole person, of being rejected on sight.
Ingo leaves in frustration, and if he does not succeed in revealing his own hidden motives, he will probably soon be driven by them to make another foolhardy attempt.

In his book “Hearticulations” (Enrealment Press 2020), the Canadian author and moviemaker Jeff Brown wrote:

»Love can happen in a split second. Bondedness can’t. That’s the thing we learn the hard way. That love is not the end of the story. It’s just the first chapter.
The next chapters demand that we acknowledge our wounding, clear our emotional debris, strengthen our capacity for attachment, learn how to authentically relate, mature in the deep within.
Chapter after chapter of refining our ability to meet love with a true heart. This is the work of a lifetime. Our opus of opening.
How terrifying.
How delightful.«

¹ mononormative (Adjective): Of or pertaining to the practices and institutions that privilege or value monosexual and monogamous relationships as fundamental and “natural” within society. [Source: Wiktionary.org]

² How trauma energies can cause us to be biased and inhibited I describe, for example, in my Jealousy-Entry 36.

Thanks to Alex Voulgaris on Unsplash for the photo!

And thanks to prilstrudel at YouTube for submitting the short film.