Happy & Content
Sometimes, when I gather with my family of choice (which also includes my polyculeª), we indulge in a homemade tradition, especially while raising a toast or at the beginning of a meal, when we cheerfully exclaim to each other in chorus: “Happy… – and content!”
This little ritual originated a few years ago, when we had been studying “Non-Violent Communication” according to Marshall Rosenberg for some time whilst working on the culture of our communal conversation. Rosenberg once said that people often wish for “happiness” in their relationships – but that they actually mean “contentment”, as “happiness” is only a rather limited, situational experience, whereas “contentment” is a desired, lasting state. This was also explicitly confirmed by the German happiness researcher Stefan Klein ( to whom I will return later in this article) in his book “The Formula of Luck – or How Good Feelings Arise” ¹ , which indicated that also the Swiss writer and philosopher Henri-Frédéric Amiel was already on the right track with his insight he put down in his diaries around the middle of the 19th century, writing “The true name for happiness is contentment”.
Hence, we humans long for contentment – and our interpersonal relationships in particular are affected by this to a very considerable extent.
How do we fare in this respect?
“From the outside”, for example, people who dedicate themselves to a life of multiple relationships are often diagnosed of being constantly on an ongoing pusuit for renewed happiness whilst never being able to join Goethe’s Faust in the joyful sigh “To the moment I’d like to say: ‘Tarry a while! You are so fair!.”
Let’s have a look at the bigger picture:
On March 20th of this year, the time had come once again: in the latest World Happiness Report (which focused on the years 2021 to 2023), Germany dropped 8 rankings from 16th to 24th position. Quite surprising countries such as Costa Rica, Lithuania and even the United Arab Emirates now register higher in Fortuna’s favour than we do in Germany.
What is going on in our otherwise quite lively republic that we are gradually struggling to keep up with the top group of happier nations and increasingly are on the verge of “mediocrity” just as it unfortunately too often feels in our everyday lives.
And what could we possibly adopt from the 23 happier competitors ahead of us?
For example, we live in a country where even immigrants are soon introduced to the somewhat feisty phrase “Frohes Schaffen!” (“Happy work!/Happy toiling!”) during their first German lessons. When I was working in the garden the other day, one such newcomer – who happened to pass my small building site – wished me with pursed lips and a somewhat alienated and astonished emphasis (as if he couldn’t quite believe that people in this country would actually bestow such words on each other as they would elsewhere share a traveler’s blessing or the hope for a safe reunion): “Well then, – Happy toiling…”.
The Austrian-American philosopher, psychotherapist and communication scientist Paul Watzlawick addressed such phenomena in his aptly titled book “Anleitung zum Unglücklichsein” (“The Situation Is Hopeless, But Not Serious: The Pursuit of Unhappiness“)² and wrote about this type of motivation, among other things: Those who, contrary to the claim of the issuers of such messages (such as “Just be spontaneous…!” or “Simply be joyful once in a while!”), would not be able to appear “spontaneous”, “joyful” or “happy” would soon feel somehow “faulty” and would then develop feelings of guilt (which was not entirely unintentionally imposed in the first place…).
The latter (“guilt–”) impression in particular was also taken up in October ’23 by the German cabaret artist Urban Priol, who stated in a television interview³ after a prolonged visit to Canada: “When a social problem arises in Canada [current Happiness Report ranked 15th, by the way], people look for a solution together, while in Germany they first of all look for the culprit…”
Accordingly, we live in a country in which we all still regularly have to deal too much with more or less concealed allocations of guilt, which we receive – but probably also too often hand out among each other. And supposedly well-intentioned support in the form of stereotypes such as “Just be happy for now!”, “It can always be worse…” or “Others are much worse off…” are downright counterproductive negative psychology, which is unfortunately still encountered far too regularly in our society.
I even believe that we are currently in a phase where we need to pay even more attention to the way we interact with each other – be it romantically, amicably or just from one human being to another.
Thus wrote the British author Matt Haig (Great Britain is currently in 23rd place in the World Happiness Report…):
»It might seem a stretch to tie psychological healing with political healing, but if the personal is political, the psychological is, too. The current olitical climate seems to be one of division a a division partly fueled by the internet.
We need to rediscover our commonality as human beeings.
[…] There is n o panacea, or utopia, there is just love and kindness and trying, amid the chaos, to make things better where we can. And to keep our minds wide, wide open in a world that often wants to close them.«*
He adds, particularly with regard to our lives in western industrialized nations:
»Even when the world is not overtly terrifying us, the speed and pace and distraction of modern existence can be a kind of mental assault that is hard to identifie.
[…]
That is the biggest paradox, I think, about the modern world. We are all connected to each other but we often feel shut out. The increasing overload and complexity of modern life can be isolating.
Added to this is the fact that we don’t always know precisely what makes us feel lonely or isolated. It can make t hard to see what the problems are. It’s like trying to open an iPhone to fix it yourself. It sometimes feels like society operates like Apple, as if it doesn’t want us to get a screwdriver and look inside to see what the problems are for ourselves. But that’s what we need to do. Because often identifying a problem, being mindful of it, becomes the solution itself.«*
In terms of interpersonal relationships, especially when they are supposed to be loving relationships, the above-mentioned ” allocation of guilt” is therefore a huge burden – and often an “invisible elephant”. This is because people resort to allocating guilt especially when, in their insecurity, they hope to at least be able to display themselves in a more favourable light by using a downward comparison (for the personal consequences of a downward comparison and a covert “You’re not ok the way you are!”, see Entry 98). In the medium term, that way we are belittling the people in our immediate surroundings, but ultimately, by continuing to think this way, we are also belittling ourselves.
And “belittling” is, of all things, the complete opposite (antonym) of the empowerment desired for all participants in ethical multiple relationships. Why it is important to cultivate “empowered relationships” in Poly- and Oligoamory, I have described on this bLog particularly in my three-part series on “Meaningful Relationships” 1 | 2 | 3, with the focus on Part 1.
Accordingly, in our culture and society (especially in the more “unhappy” cultures and societies!) we are faced with the increasing dilemma that this leads to an unsettling feeling of disconnectedness and thus, to a certain extent, “homelessness”. Using the example of a hostel for displaced people, Matt Haig, whom I have already quoted, explains:
»A vounteer there told me the idea is that ‘the people here are lacking more than somewhere to sleep, they are lacking belonging. The problem is homelessness not houselessness. When you are homeless you are missing more than just a bedroom.«
Concerning the important qualities of feeling-at-home and belonging – and that it is so fundamental to experience these in our close romantic relationships – I have been talking about on my bLog since Entry 5.
So it’s high time now to take a look at the “lucky dogs” (at least the “luckier dogs”…) ahead of us and hopefully learn from them what we could gain for ourselves.
Regular top candidates in the periodic “World Happiness Reports” are, for example, the Scandinavian countries, the Netherlands and Switzerland as well.
The German psychologist and happiness researcher Judith Mangelsdorf (German University of Applied Sciences for Health and Sports, Berlin), for example, on the one hand attests to the high level of perceived social support in all of these countries.: She explains that if you were to ask people in these countries, they would subjectively have the feeling that folks would be there for each other, that they would care for each other and that in this way the commonality within their country would really contribute to the well-being of all.
On the other hand, she mentions the subjective experience of freedom: That residents would enjoy the feeling of being able to make their own decisions and shape their lives freely.
Happiness researcher Stefan Klein confirms this in his book “The Formula of Luck”:
»In case of doubt, being free to make your own decisions is worth more than having your wishes fulfilled. For most of us, control over our own destiny is an essential prerequisite for happiness and contentment. To experience the feeling of being at the mercy of others is one of the most unbearable sensations. Both humans and animals react to this with severe mental and physical disorders. If something desired can only be obtained at the price of dependency, those who choose freedom usually fare better.«
As far as I’m concerned, by the way, these are all factors that I also would like to experience in my relationships if I want to feel comfortable in them…
Questions put directly to the inhabitants of the affected countries yield even more specific results – especially with regard to the above-mentioned allocations of guilt and the downward comparisons.
In Finland, which is currently ranked 1st, already pupils are learning to recognize and identify their emotions. Teacher Annika Lehikoinen comments: “Teenagers are highly emotional, and they learn that it’s okay to experience all their feelings. It’s very important that they understand: Even if I have negative emotions, I still have to encounter everyone else with appreciation.” This is where Matt Haig resonates and I hear him saying “Often recognizing a problem, being mindful of it, becomes the solution itself.”
The Canadian economist John F. Helliwell has analyzed Finnish society in even greater detail. He points out:
»In Finland, your own contentment is closely linked to the contentment of others. Finns trust each other, they look after each other. And they have a very high level of equality of opportunity. Finns compare themselves less and are not in competition with each other like people in many other countries.«
The Finnish psychologist Frank Martela underlines this by describing that it is not so much a matter of Finland having the most exceptionally happy people, but rather that there are very few extremely unhappy people in Finland. This also contributes to people comparing themselves less with others. It would be precisely this equalisation that makes a difference. One Finnish proverb would say: “There’s no need to be envious.” Because even if someone else has or can do something special: I still lack nothing because, after all, nothing has been taken away from me.
Happiness researcher Klein becomes very explicit about this in his “Formula of Luck”. In his 13th chapter (“The power of perspective”), Klein names five “traps” that would directly counteract the experience of contentment and happiness. Traps four and five are – hardly surprisingly – entitled “Sideways Glances” and “Envy” and Klein writes bluntly: “If you compare yourself, you lose” – as people could very easily undo even the contentment they have already gained by means of these inner adversaries.
And in the same chapter, Klein agrees with the approach of Finnish teacher Annika Lehikoinen: a lot of unhappiness could be avoided if we were able to understand why we react the way we do and to what. The way forward therefore would be to pay more attention to our perception in the immediate present than we are used to. For it would be enormously beneficial to train the ability to notice emotions before they become distorted by comparisons, thoughts and memory.
At the same time, people would often deprive themselves of their comfort because they would usually experience their genuine contentment only too nebulously, especially because – if things were running smoothly – they would be only too willing to let their attention slip away. But particularly good feelings, such as the pleasant sensation of sitting opposite a familiar person for example, should be fully savoured.
Klein therefore refers to the Socio-Economic Panel, which also in Germany has brought “happy circumstances” to light by means of its surveys:
Accordingly, the most satisfied people in Germany are by far those who likewise prioritize the happiness of their fellow human beings. In the best-case scenario, this would create a community that feels connected and supports each other with mutual help – even in cases where political conviction is required (“…if the personal is political, then so is the psychological…”).
It’s the basic foundation for belonging and any true sense of community.
Having said all this about the source of happiness and contentment in our close and very close relationships, it seems right to me today to leave the closing words as well to the author Matt Haig, who wrote:
Maybe happiness is not about us, as individuals.
Maybe it is not something that arrives into us.
Maybe happiness ist felt heading out, not in.
Maybe happines is not about what we deserve because we’re worth it.
Maybe happiness is not about what we can get.
Maybe happiness is about what we already have.
Maybe happiness is about what we can give.
Maybe happiness is not a butterfly we can catch with a net.
Maybe there is no certain way to be happy.
Maybe there are only maybes.
If (as Emily Dickinson said) “Forever is composed of nows” maybe the nows are composed of maybes.
Maybe the point of life is to give up certainty and to embrace life’s beautiful uncertainty.
ª “Polycule” is a humorous portmanteau of “Polyamory” and “molecule” and refers to a group of people who are involved in ethically non-monogamous romantic relationships. As these “structures” or clusters can sometimes look like hydrocarbon rings, complex molecules or other medium-chain compounds when drawn for graphic illustration, the tongue-in-cheek term “polycule” has been coined.
¹ Stefan Klein, “The Formula of Luck – or: How good feelings arise”, [“Die Glücksformel”] Fischer 2012; expanded new edition 2014 [German edition only]
² Paul Watzlawick, “The Situation Is Hopeless, But Not Serious: The Pursuit of Unhappiness”, Norton & Company; Reprint Edition (1. Juli 1993)
³ Urban Priol in SR-Gesellschaftsabend No. 294; broadcasting series of the Saarländischer Rundfunk [German language only]
* All in-depth quotations in this Entry by Matt Haig are taken from: “Notes on a nervous planet”, Canongate Books Ltd.; Main Edition (28. Februar 2019)
I would like to thank the Tagesschau (News Portal) archive for the article on the World Happiness Report 2024 “Finland remains the happiest country“ (as at: 20.03.2024 11:28 a.m.) and the interview with Judith Mangelsdorf “One of the strongest factors is togetherness“ (as at: 20.03.2024 2:59 p.m.)
And of course thanks to Zachary Nelson on Unsplash for the photo!