Concerning gratitude
One-two-three, in hasty race, time is running, we keep pace. The number of today’s Entry reminds me of this quote¹ – and that’s what often happens with one’s sense of time at the start of a year, when short February has rushed by and the advancing date makes it feel as though we’re already halfway through 2026…
Meanwhile, we go about our daily lives and maintain our relationships (or at least try to), so that we almost imagine ourselves being like Napoleon Bonaparte, who was said to have the gift of fighting a battle with one hand, ruling Europe with the other, while dictating a letter to his mistress and presumably planning a banquet at the same time (which makes him one of the first recorded male multitaskers…). And when we see that others have already spruced up their gardens for spring, cleaned all their windows and even figured out their holiday plans, that’s the final nail in the coffin for our peace of mind: we’ve been dawdling about in our winter slumber for far too long again – stress, ease up!
Very quickly, the “hasty pace“ mentioned above turns into the world-famous German goose step, with which we then hurl ourselves into the fulfilment of our duties – which we had evidently been neglecting until now – and the likelihood that, in this manner, we will be unable to tear our downcast glances away from the dirty floor, the shopping list or the deadline, rises exponentially.
What usually falls by the wayside is what Marshall Rosenberg, the originator of “Nonviolent Communication“ [NVC] (which, particularly in the context of ethical multiple relationships, is often recommended as part of the general toolkit), referred to within his philosophy as the “Celebration of Life“. After all, even NVC (which I briefly introduce in Entry 20) has always been, and continues to be, a rather challenging concept for both beginners and experienced practitioners alike. Marshall Rosenberg himself was well aware of this, which is why – to counter a sense of exaggerated seriousness – he regularly called for occasions to perform a “Celebration of life“. By this, he didn’t mean complicated events that had to be planned in advance, but simply taking a moment in our daily lives to reassure one another about all the things that were currently going well. A Buddhist probably would call it something like “practising gratitude“.
These days, “practising gratitude“ seems to be something that’s mostly limited to a spiritual or religious sphere. Yet in fact, the expression of gratitude has a firm place within the ritual structure of almost all religions across the globe, whether, for example, in the context of Christian worship as prayers of thanksgiving or through symbolic offerings at Shinto shrines.
OK, that might all be well and good… But what’s the point of all this in relation to ethical non-monogamous relationships, particularly Poly- or Oligoamory?
It is closer than it seems at first glance – and the hasty pace of time may also be the reason why we, who consider ourselves part of such concepts of multiple relationships, occasionally rush past them too quickly.
Not every post I publish here on this bLog is groundbreaking or of fundamental importance in terms of content – sometimes I just talk, point out a connection here or share an insight there that strikes me as relevant. However, there are certainly Entries here without which my Oligoamory wouldn’t be the Oligoamory; the ones that are part of its very “DNA“, to use a popular expression.
One of these Entries is number 79, in which I describe “seven roots“ of this relationship philosophy, which, in my view, sustain its essence. The final root I mention in Entry 79 is spirituality, particularly in the sense of sharing in something and experiencing meaning in ways that transcend oneself.
Let me give myself a pat on the back: Entry 79 is well written; in this way, it also reveals a great deal about me – and as for the described “essential components“ of Oligoamory, even today, almost four years later, I wouldn’t change a single word; not at all.
However, I could have emphasised more clearly back then that spirituality was, strictly speaking, already a significant component in the original Polyamory (especially since I had already written my “History of Polyamory“ [Parts 1 | 2 | 3 | 4] , particularly Part 2 (Entry 48) and Part 3 (Entry 49), which are imbued with spirituality).
For the individuals among whom a need for guidelines regarding ethical multi-partner relationships arose in modern times – and for whom the neo-pagan high priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart first wrote her article, in which the word “polyamorous“ was first used, for the scene magazine “Green Egg“ in 1990² – were part of a circle of people practising spirituality together.
Without going into all the stories and reasons that led to the emergence of polyamory here (you’re welcome to read about them in the Entries linked above): Polyamory emerged within a circle of spiritual gathering and celebration.
Personally, I’ve been very fortunate in my life to have been an active participant in such circles of spiritual, neo-pagan celebration on two separate periods lasting several years – to enjoy something similar to what Morning Glory herself has experienced. In this way, it was not only Polyamory that eventually came into my life – above all, I was able to gain “first-hand“ experience of the spiritual underpinnings, which I consider to be significant precisely for the polyamorous (and, of course, oligoamorous) DNA I mentioned.
One such experience is the expression of gratitude. And – particularly with regard to the current state of the world – a gratitude that is almost basic, naive, and in a sense radical (if one understands the word “radical“ here in its etymological sense, derived from the Latin word “radix“ meaning “root“). As we stood in a circle, celebrating and practising together, we felt and expressed gratitude for things that were seemingly obvious: that the earth carried us; for the air we breathed; for the clarity of the water with which we cleansed ourselves; for the fire in the centre, which warmed us and gave us energy.
Now, every Buddhist would again surely nod in agreement: gratitude, expressed time and time again – particularly in a recurring, ceremonial form – gradually became an attitude, a personal mindset. We became grateful for the community we kept coming together with. We were grateful for the people within it, with whom we shared our experiences there. We became grateful for being part of it all, for having discovered something that many other folks might never come into contact with in their lives.
Which brings me round to Polyamory. Because, in my eyes, the last sentence of the previous paragraph in particular captures the essence of why I now feel confident in saying that I identify as part of a way of life characterised by ethical multiple relationships.
And this is true regardless of how many loved ones or partners I currently have in my life. Or whether luck is on my side when it comes to dating. Polyamory – or, in my case, more accurately: Oligoamory – has become an inner attitude for me, a philosophy of life through which I view the world and interact with it. I don’t need any “external circumstances“ for this from which this can be deduced or recognised. All I need is myself and my inner conviction (though in my case I find that “conviction“ sounds a bit too harsh, a bit too intellectual; for myself, I’d rather choose something like “individual nature“).
Although… in light of the above, it doesn’t quite add up that I need only “myself“ for this. I still need my “spiritual connection“ to something that is difficult to describe, something greater than myself – or at least something that extends significantly beyond me.³
It is precisely this indescribable quality that forms the basis for my enduring sense of gratitude of having a share in this experience.
Which means that, when it comes to ethical multiple relationships, “gratitude“ also plays an important role as far as I’m concerned. And this applies first and foremost to the very privilege that I have earned for myself and now enjoy – a privilege that many other people in the world today deny themselves: the sheer possibility of being able to enter into (additional) fully committed (romantic) relationships with other people at any time, yes, indeed, of even having that scope of possibility at my disposal.
Simply by tapping into the potential of this scope changes every single day of my life (…but then again, sometimes I just think about shopping lists and deadlines myself and have a perfectly ordinary wek…).
And I see it as a privilege, because to me that is exactly what a privilege entails: “something you own – but rarely realise you actually possess it“.
In my view, that has less to do with who grants it. For example, in the sense of “My (long-term) partner grants me the privilege of being allowed to pursue other romantic relationships…“ This would be a difficult statement for some members of the polyamorous community to accept, as it might suggest that the person in question has not yet truly embraced Polyamory and is still, beneath the surface, acting as a couple-bonded entity. And for some people, that may well be the case.
But for me personally, that doesn’t make sense. Because it isn’t other people who grant me such a privilege; rather, I have to strive for it on my own – questioning norms, getting to know myself better and better, shifting viewpoints – until I can finally grant myself such a thing based on my own altered mindset. So whenever my favourite beloved people say to me: “Hey, Oligotropos, you should go to that speed-dating event – and good luck and all the best…!”, I am nonetheless grateful – specifically for being with these special people with whom I have built a trusting atmosphere in which such freedom of choice exists.
And when I say, “I am grateful” or “I am privileged”, I am, for the most part, speaking of my own process of self-initiation, which I would not have been able to achieve (and still would not be able to accomplish) without a “greater whole” and without other people on this journey.
To all you readers out there: I must admit, I too sometimes feel a touch of cynicism when faced with certain expressions of gratitude – especially when they come my way in the guise of various memes on social media. I suffered from moderate depression for two years, and during that time in particular, I experienced such empty platitudes – which so cheerfully and intrusively propagated gratitude for every little thing in daily life – as downright painful and condescending. And especially when we consider the state of the world, events in other countries, the hardships faced by so many people, and the impact this has on us, such “gratitude“ regularly seems to border on the absurd.
In this regard, I would like to emphasise that “gratitude” should not be confused with “connivance”. When Morning Glory stood beneath the stars with the members of her nest in the late 1980s, she was surely well aware that every day part of the earth was being paved over, the air polluted and the water poisoned. That fire was often used in a destructive manner and for aggressive purposes. Spiritual gratitude is therefore not a passive submission to the status quo, but rather the highlighting of a moment of appreciation – an appreciation that emphasises a fleeting treasure, one that instead calls for action, conscious enjoyment, sustainability and preservation.
So when I look at the world in this way again – at its crises, at the people who are unable to think outside the box – I eventually start to realise my own privilege once more.
But also that I cannot simply hold on to it as a guaranteed permanent subscription. Instead, as I described when talking about my journey towards multiple relationships, I have to actively maintain it.
Ethical multiple relationships have emerged within a context of freedom. Among free people who, as a result, had the opportunity to perceive the extraordinary in what might otherwise seem mundane – and who were willing to acknowledge this in and with one another.
For some of us (as I described in the example above with regard to myself), the implicitness of romantic multi-partner relationships have become an integral part of our sense of self. And that is a very good thing, because in this way identities can heal and, at the same time, the world becomes a more diverse place.
Yet, in the grand scheme of things, it still remains “extraordinary“ – a fact that is all too often brought home to us in a painful way from the outside. Therefore, let us ensure from within that we are repeatedly made aware of our privileged extraordinariness in a spirit of gratitude: grateful to ourselves for having chosen this path, for having continued along it, and for identifying with it today. Grateful for each other, that we are with loved ones who allow us to be ‘us’ in this way. Grateful that we are part of this game in this way – but that it must also continued to be played in order for it to exist – and for others still to be able to join in in the future…
¹ Quote: Wilhelm Busch, “Tobias Knopp Trilogy”, 1874–1877
² The text of “Bouquet of Lovers” from the magazine “Green Egg” (1990) by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart HERE.
³ PS: “Oh, Oligotropos. Sometimes you can get on one’s nerves a bit with all this talk about ‘greater than ourselves’…”
“Really? How about a quote: ‘Every gaze at the stars is also a gaze at our own origins. We observe the universe with eyes whose atoms were once forged in the hearts of dying suns.’
Where did I get that from? HERE” ?[Source: German newsportal, German language only; it’s worth using DeepL to translate it!]
Thanks to JOHN TOWNER on Unsplash for the photo!