Need-ful Things
In my previous Entry, I expressed my regret – as I have done several times before on this bLog – that, in my view, a “misaplied model of needs“ is too often utilised to support one’s own desire for a life of multiple relationships and Polyamory. That is why I have also addressed the underlying interpretation of needs from time to time in various Entries in this bLog.
However, since this complex seems to me to be a recurring and central topic in Polyamory, I would like to use this entry to summarise my opinion on the matter once again.
First, I would like to take another look at what specifically is meant by “needs“ – and how they have found their way into the concept of Polyamory.
According to the English Wikipedia, “A need is a deficiency at a point of time and in a given context. Needs are distinguished from wants. In the case of a need, a deficiency causes a clear adverse outcome [….]. In other words, a need is something required for a safe, stable and healthy life while a want is a desire, wish or aspiration.“
Scientifically, however, “needs“ first became a substantial focus of psychological research in the first half of the 20th century, when American psychologists and psychotherapists Abraham Maslow and Carl R. Rogers addressed the self-concept and associated inner motivations, drives and inclinations of their patients in the development of modern Humanistic and Positive Psychology (Maslow since 1954) as well as genuine, Person-centred therapy ( PCT – Rogers since 1957).
Abraham Maslow ultimately structured the findings from this research into what later became known as “Maslow’s hierarchy of needs“, through which he was able to demonstrate that there are certain degrees of necessity within human needs – for example, that essential basic needs for sustaining life must first be met (breathing, warmth, water, food, sleep, shelter) before a person could aspire to fulfil its social needs (e.g. belonging, communication, community, etc.) or even those of self-actualisation (e.g. independence, freedom, creativity, etc.).
In cooperation with a student of Carl Rogers, the psychologist and communication researcher Marshall B. Rosenberg, this approach ultimately revealed the quality of human needs to be universal (common to all), independent of time (epochs/ages), place (regions, cultures) and persons (subjectivity).
Needs thus appeared as the expression of underlying, fundamental feelings which indicate that needs are being met or rather feelings indicating that this is not the case.
During the second half of the 20th century, no one was probably as consistently concerned with this identified source of needs and its effects on human coexistence as the aforementioned Marshall Rosenberg¹. Rosenberg noted that the communication of needs plays a fundamental role, particularly in interpersonal interaction, but that individual attempts to express these needs often contributed to misunderstandings and crises due to unfavourable, socially established patterns (e.g. language use).
As a possible approach to resolving and potentially preventing such crises, Rosenberg developed his life’s work from 1963 onwards: the concept of “Non-violent communication (NVC)“ – A communication process based on mutual consent, aiming to develop human relationships in such a way that those involved spontaneously and willingly contribute to each other’s well-being.
With that last sentence in mind, the path from there to Polyamory was relatively straightforward. From the 1980s onwards, numerous community- and cooperation-oriented initiatives increasingly turned to ‘non-violent communication’ as a tool to support participants in their personal development. Through its use in educational institutions, counselling, therapy, mediation and coaching, it eventually became also a part of the “polyamorous toolbox“ in the mid-1990s – particularly as an element of a conversational culture based on equality and respect concerning multiple romantic relationships.
So far, so good.
At this point, I would like to add a brief disclaimer on my part: several decades later, there emerged justified criticism of both the methodology of NVC itself as well as on the personality of Marshall Rosenberg himself. In detail, he was certainly not a saint above reproach, nor was he free of own pretensions. As a tool, NVC is a mode of communication that, like any psychological-interpersonal medium, requires attention, training and practice – otherwise it may allow for manipulation and abuse. I am fully aware of this, having studied the approach myself over many years. However, the scientific principles of the underlying theory of needs according to A. Maslow and C. Rogers are valid, as is the inherent consistency when applied mindfully.
OK. So, already with the blossoming of Polyamory in the last decade of the 20th century, we thus have the notorious “needs“ involved – as well as engaged in our conversations with one another…
Which is actually good news, when – as mentioned above – we realise that we all share the same needs and can communicate our feelings through them. Rosenberg himself once said, “Needs are the life seeking expression within us“.
However, two basic aspects are very important here:
Firstly, we must understand the difference between preferences, wants, desires and strategies on the one hand, and needs on the other.
And secondly, we have to understand how needs are the “smallest common denominator“-building blocks of our own self-expression.
These two key points are extremely important if you want to fully comprehend what I mean by the “misunderstood or misapplied needs model“ that I mentioned at the beginning.
Thus, when we sense an intention, a desire, or even a strategy (i.e. an approach) within ourselves, it is of utmost importance for the viability of the process – and in order to avoid being manipulative – to determine what lies beneath it at the most fundamental, genuine level of need(s).
Take the example from my last Entry (which I seemingly like to use…) “kitesurfing“.
But of course there is no such thing as a “need for kitesurfing“… However, “kitesurfing“ fulfils a whole range of related, genuine needs², which could include, for example “Movement“, “freedom“, “strength“, “courage“, “spontaneity“, “happiness“, “empowerment“, “passion“, “activity“, “self-confidence“, “heedfulness“, “lightness“ and “pleasure“. And if we even practice it together with others, it may also fulfil “belonging“, “company“, “friendship“, “community“, “trust“, “tolerance“, “understanding“, “openness“, “open-mindedness“, “reassurance”, “enthusiasm”, “support“ and “cooperation“…
Wow! Kitesurfing can do all that for us???
Quite right – correctly phrased: kitesurfing can contribute to all of this on your part.
Or to put it yet more precisely: you can accomplish all of this for yourself when you go kitesurfing with your friends!
And this is exactly the point why I have been virtually annoyed with authors Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy since 1997, who, in their otherwise quite useful book on sluthood³, were the first to spread that unfortunate as well as misguided narrative on a large scale, …that nooooooo single other person (as in the pooh-pooh exclusive monogamy) would ever be sufficient to fulfil one’s own needs… A narrative that, with its unbearably stereotypical redundancy, has since found its way into even the latest publications and guidebooks on the subject of Polyamory (most recently also in Jessica Fern’s “Polysecure“ ª) – and which is also frequently used in interviews and online videos because it seemingly appears to be so coherent (also adopted by Esther Perel in several of her relationship-talks, among others).
“All right, Oligotropos…“, one could argue. “it may well be that we are able to fulfil some of our needs regarding individuality and self-realisation while kitesurfing. But surely Polyamory is about people and their relationships with each other. What about all those social needs you listed? For this, we need the other people (and relationships) when kitesurfing, so that they can fulfil our needs that you mentioned, such as belonging, company, friendship, community, trust, tolerance, understanding, openness, reassurance, support and cooperation – after all, we couldn’t do that on our own, could we…?”
Yes and no. Which in turn brings us back to strategies. Because, as we can conclude from the sum of the individual needs it serves, kitesurfing is definitely such a strategy. Instead, we could have gone to aunt Fanny for a cup of coffee and experienced company, friendship and reassurance there. Or attended a meeting at the local library dedicated to tolerance, openness and open-mindedness. Or simply have a chat with the guy next door to ensure at least a sense of belonging in our neighbourhood.
Fun fact: For this reason, by the way, “sexuality“ (which is often invoked in many discussions as an absolute basic need!) is also considered a “strategy“. That’s because sexuality also fulfils a whole range of needs that may be involved, such as “liveliness”, “closeness“, “affection“, “warmth“, “tenderness“ and “love“. And since the keyword “basic need“ was mentioned, it would be more appropriate to look at its baseline function and admit: “Okay, the underlying, initial basic need was originally ‘reproduction/(genetic) legacy‘…“.
In order to meet our needs, we can therefore choose different strategies, several of which can help us achieve our goal in different ways. And especially this, too, is of great significance with regard to the aforementioned “unfortunate and misguided narrative“.
Rosenberg himself commented on the subject: “Even we ourselves never know what we exactly want – until we get it.“ A highly important statement – because he also added on another occasion that all other fellow human beings would otherwise “need a magical mind-reading ruby in their foreheads“ to know exactly what we would require. But they don’t have that – accordingly even we ourselves must wait and see what effect our own preferences and strategies have on us before we can determine whether we have chosen correctly, whether they truly contribute to our needs – or not.
That’s precisely why no one but we ourselves can choose whether we’d rather visit aunt Fanny or go kitesurfing with our friends – we weigh up for ourselves where we assume we’ll meet the best possible fulfilment-balance regarding our inner needs – and then cheerfully plunge into the wet and windy adventure.
And when we’ve finished kitesurfing, we would have to return to our emotional level to assess whether our needs were actually met or not: How do I feel now? Happy? Euphoric? Annoyed? Sad? Or even ashamed? Don’t think! Feel!!!
For Marshall Rosenberg, it was therefore important to be able to express needs in terms of requests. He called this “drawing attention to our needs“. It was likewise important to him that, ideally, such a consultation would normally enable the needs of all parties involved to be met.
He therefore identified the biggest pitfalls in how we receive from other people what may be beneficial to our own needs. In a moment of neediness, the underlying, unspoken message would often be, “I am suffering because one of my needs is not being met.“ However, because no one but we ourselves can actually feel our true emotional deficiency, other individuals present would usually only develop an involuntary urge to “fix that person“ – which would often result in misinterpretations, misunderstandings, as well as unfavourable strategies of contributing.
Unfortunately, especially in the latter case, I regularly experience in discussions and conversations among polyamorous people how this emotional pain is exploited to induce the other participants involved in the process to contribute. Suddenly, the desire for certain sexual practices and even the pursuit of Polyamory itself become turned into a “need“ (like “kitesurfing“…) – unfortunately, usually with the intention that by presenting one’s own request as a “need“ in the manner of an inalienable fundamental right, it becomes an indispensable obligation for the other parties to fulfil it. What – if you have followed my lines of argument thus far – is precisely a violent reversal of the actual responsibility concerning the fulfilment of needs. At the same time, however, this clearly shows what unconscious, emotional pain carried into a relationship might provoke.
And there is one more thing that is triggered by the Hardy-Easton narrative. A phenomenon that unfortunately fits very well into our present day – but which I, as Oligotropos, creator of “committed, sustainable multiple relationships“, also consider worrisome.
By putting forward the responsibility-reversing thesis that nooooo one person can ever be sufficient to fulfil all our needs, we are indirectly encouraged to engage in what I have been calling “Pokémon Polyamory“ since Entry 2: To seek for “one companion for each occasion“ in order to ensure that the contributions of different individuals can cover the widest possible range of our needs.
I have criticised this behaviour several times on this bLog because I regard it as a risk for utilitarianism (purpose-oriented ethics of utility) and compartmentalisation (splitting into separate [pleasure-oriented] aspects) of our lovers and loved ones.
However, I perceive another problem – and this concerns precisely the criterion of oligoamorous sustainability: As we have seen, there is no universal human need for kitesurfing. Nor is there a universal basic need to “drive through Paris in a sports car with the wind in your hair“. There is just as little of a “need for BDSM“ as there is one for “winning the Nobel Peace Prize“. Thus, there is also no entitlement concerning the fulfilment of such ‘needs’, if only because it would otherwise be deemed utterly unacceptable to lead a decent, humane life… Because needs are (only) a living expression of our inner emotional landscape, not vouchers of entitlement.
The narrative of misapplied need fulfilment seduces us to an extremely consumer-oriented thinking – precisely because of the reversal of responsibility described above – and the conviction that this existence, the world in general and all other people in particular ( especially, of course, those who claim to be closest and dearest to us!) somehow owe us the realisation of these things. That it would therefore only be a question of finding the right combination of getting our needs met, that all these possibilities would lie within our reach…
Hogwash!
That is simply not the case. As has been shown, such entitlement thinking is wrong both in terms of the basic approach and in terms of the allocation of responsibility – and for our planet, it is precisely the catastrophe that has begun to unfold.
Nevertheless, it is true that we all in our human family have the same needs, yes. But that we all usually will be able to have each of them completely met is (apart from the basic needs, hopefully) as unlikely as it is unrealistic – and also in no way feasible for Mother Earth.
For the sake of all our wellbeing, for ourselves, our loved ones and all the rest of this wonderful world – I appeal to all of you out there: Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Feel them fully. Recognise the needs that arise from them and face up to the responsibility of taking care of yourself and those needs. Also draw attention to your needs – because only you can truly perceive them, both in terms of their nature and their extent. Then mutually contribute to their fulfilment, by means of trial and error – to the best of your abilities.
But please choose strategies that are sustainable; not those that project an insatiable desire into an infinite outside – but those that are based on inner growth and understanding, that strengthen the ties to yourself and others and bring forth harmonious coexistence. Approaches that aim at finding inner contentment and self-acceptance within yourselves. Choose opportunities that create genuine connections and – instead of satisfying material needs – keep focusing on communication and empathy.
¹ One of Marshall Rosenberg’s best-known live lectures on ‘’Nonviolent Communication‘’ is available on YouTube, divided into short chunks. Rosenberg talks about needs in the NVC system from part 2.1 onwards. I have linked some excerpts here:
2.1 – Needs Part 1
2.2 – Needs Part 2
3.1 – How to receive
3.2 – What is alive?
4.3 – The urge to fix a person
4.4 – The shift of responsibility
4.5 – How to contribute
A short description regarding the concept of Nonviolent Communication is already available on this bLog in Entry 20
² A more detailed list of feelings and needs for self-description can be found HERE, for example (NVC Academy).
³ Sluthood: The queer community has embraced this word, which originally carried negative connotations (in the sense of ‘’immoral behaviour’’). Today, it is used as a (self)description by individuals who do not fit into the heteronormative, monogamous, gender-stereotypical spectrum, in particular promiscuous, sex-positive folk who decide autonomously on their sexuality.
Janet W. W. Hardy & Dossie Easton: “The Ethical Slut – a guide to infinite sexual possibilities“, Greenery Press 1997
German edition: “Schlampen mit Moral: Erweiterte Neuausgabe: Warum es an der Zeit ist, Sex und Liebe neu zu denken – wie Polyamorie, offene Beziehungen und andere Abenteuer gelingen können“, mvg-Verlag 2020
ª Jessica Fern: “Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-monogamy“, Scribe UK, 2022
Thanks to TANYA LAYKO on Unsplash for the photo and Mike Oldfield for his iconic song „(Never going to get) To France“ (1984)