Longingly
»Imagine if the sober just once took a taste, they would leave everything and sit down with us at the table of longing, which will never be empty.«¹
Someone recently wrote to me that “…there is far too little talk about longing in Polyamory”. I actually think so too – and would therefore like to dedicate this month’s bLog Entry to this emotional state.
I say “emotional state” – and thus immediately confess that our “longing” is one of those famous “curry mixtures”, i.e. a “multi-component feeling”, as I had already phrased it some years ago, for example, for jealousy and envy, which are not only related in terms of terminology, but also in implications – as we will see.
After all, in longing, too, there is not just one main predominant emotion, but depending on the occasion, it consists of different proportions of feelings such as melancholy, yearning, sadness, hope, devotion, renunciation and even pain, delicately seasoned with personal wishes, dreams and projections.
Why is it important to also focus on longing when it comes to ethical multiple relationships?
Now, looking at the above list, almost most of its components – or, strictly speaking, all of them – belong to the great, wide contextual field of romantic love. With the important restriction, however, that longing, explicitly considered, very often represents a kind of “meta-stage”, since it does not necessarily require a real, currently existing interpersonal connection – and thus also arises to a certain extent “one-sidedly”, as can also be the case with infatuation, desire, grief or envy, for example.
Thus, we have to sort things out a bit if we want to approach the role of longing in oligo- or polyamorous matters – and that is not so easy, because, excitingly, there have been very few attempts at an approach at all from the scientific side, to date. And this despite the fact that people all over the world can experience longing for people, places, things, yes, even periods of time and accompanying circumstances.
At least Paul B. Baltes, former director of the Max Planck Institute for Human Development in Berlin², for instance, identified the phenomenon of “threefold-temporality” as an important characteristic of longing.
What is meant by this? Well, nothing less than that we can experience longing for something lost in the past, something consistent in the present or for something not yet fulfilled with regard to the future. So I can mourn a Polycule that I was once part of (past), miss my current romantic partners because they might be currently in a different place than me (present) – or long for another favourite person for a multiple relationship that I still hope to encounter (future).
What all three time levels have in common with regard to longing is that they all deal with a state that is felt to be currently unattainable: I cannot regain the past, I lack something specific in the present (of which there is no lack under “normal conditions”), I still have unfulfilled wishes and ideas concerning my future.
With specific reference to this, the group of researchers led by Paul Baltes² defined another inherent characteristic of longing, which is that of “bittersweet feelings”. We can already conclude from the expression “curry mixture” above that longing contains both positively and negatively connoted sentiments. In other words, ”longing” has the peculiarity that in it we can experience joy and pain at the same time: For although the past is over (painful), longing as a reminiscence brings us into contact with the experienced or remembered joy of that time (joyful). This is also the case for the present, because longing makes us aware, for example, of the just-not-present (painful) nature of a circumstance, because in comparison we know exactly how its presence (joyful) feels. And it is the same with the future, for in our projection we dream of an enriching state (joyful), which is not realized at the present time (painful).
And even after these few paragraphs, almost all the relevant parameters for the ambivalence of longing in multiple relationship contexts are already included – and further surprising parallels to jealousy emerge:
Similar to jealousy, longing can reach a level that may become unhealthy for the individual and its relationship(s). In the English language, for example, there is no direct equivalent to the German concept of “Sehnsucht” (like “Weltschmerz” or “Leitmotif”…). The most closely related terms “desire”, “craving”, “yearning” and “longing”, on the other hand, emphasize a lack or respectively a want. However, the step from “I have a want of fresh rolls…” to “I want fresh rolls…!” is not only small in terms of language – but changes the energy and strategy of the pursued endeavor (especially for the bystanders) quite significantly…
When it comes to “emotional tempering”, we humans are therefore often a little shaky, especially when hormonal (self-)rewards are also involved. This applies above all to any bygone past, in whose retrospectively evaluated “ idyllic world” we can lose ourselves unrestrainedly, and also to the future, for which we conjure up one unattainably over-idealized castle in the clouds after another – and both projections thus keep us as reliably as tragically from our present existence in the oh-so-banal present.
Which immediately brings us to another characteristic that longing and jealousy (and also envy) share: the (downward) comparison.
Especially because longing contains the component “subjectively perceived”, it can unfold so much power that we sometimes feel it almost like a tug in our chest. But the comparison with the present need not be realistic at all – either “everything was better” in the past anyway or what is yet to come will easily surpass the present – at least in our imagination… And according to the proverb “What you feel is always right – but not always true…” ³ we unfortunately also might loose ourselves in such a labyrinth of comparisons if we are no longer able to return to a realistic assessment of the situation on our own.
In the previous two paragraphs I spoke particularly of the past and the future – but what about the present ?
In my opinion, this is where the real potential of longing lies – just like that of jealousy. In my Entry at the time, I referred to the latter as the “engine control light of a relationship”: A (rather) general warning signal, whose precise cause must be determined more thoroughly in case it blinks on.
In my opinion, this role is also attributed to longing when we feel it in our everyday lives – but not so much in respect of our outward relationships, but above all with regard to the relationship with ourselves. Especially when applied to the state of our awareness in terms of our own reality compared to our expectations – thereby generating a kind of “self-care-inventory”: Am I actually on the right path? What is missing in my life? Where do I want to go? Are my life goals still in alignment with my needs?
So it is in the present that longing really comes into its own, because there it serves as an impulse for increased attentiveness, from which our emotional intelligence can benefit – and that in turn would actually be a real bonus in terms of our interpersonal relationship skills.
Which could turn the multi-component feeling of “longing” into a really strong curry, as a drive to really get closer to our innermost desires on this level.
Personally – and as the author of this bLog – I would also like to point out another component of any longing, which is the awareness of transitoriness contained in it (which is also what made it once so attractive for Romantic literature…).
And this again contains both aspects, because of course transitoriness and the constant reminder that some proceedings are finished forever and the realization regarding our temporal finiteness are painful.
At the same time, however, this is precisely another joyful strength of longing, because in this way it can become a strong incentive for us to seize potential opportunities in time.
More than six years ago, when I conceived this bLog, I wrote the following lines on my main page about the description of the Oligoamory symbol, which I am still deeply convinced of in connection with the hopeful aspects of longing in reference to multiple relationships:
»Human beings like us are existing spatiotemporally in a both finite as well as transitory world. Our resources and our energies, our sensory perceptions, our time, and therefore also our relationships and even our lifespan is limited and finite.
Exactly this finiteness – and the dawn of the 21st century makes it quite obvious in so many ways – immediately suggests a more attentive and sustainable husbandry regarding our available treasures of substantial as well as ideational nature.
Our awareness in respect of the ubiquitous finiteness has always evoked in human groups the fascinating aptitude of distribution, shared use, and optimisation of the available.
In the course of this, it becomes globally as well as in the smallest companionship apparent that we have always been particularly successful, if we thereby moved from mere distributional justice towards individual needs-based justice.
Oligoamory wants to invite to a mindful adoption of these vital values into ethical and loving multiple relationships.«
Bearing this in mind, my overall conclusion today is still positive – which is hardly surprising for a romantic and idealist like me:
Longing is an extremely intense mixture of emotions that often reminds us of our innermost wishes and dreams. It can both hurt and inspire us, spurring us on with both impulses to explore new paths and experience life in all its fullness. By ultimately recognizing and acknowledging our longings, we open ourselves up to the possibility of finding what we are looking for in different ways – and remaining flexible in our strategies.
Because ultimately, it is the journey through longing itself that teaches us to appreciate the here and now and to embrace the present joys of life.
PS: Try putting “being polyamorous” or “being oligoamorous” in this last paragraph instead of “longing(s)”…
¹ from “Hymne”, written in 1800 by Friedrich von Hardenberg (1772 – 1801), known as Novalis, published in Geistliche Lieder, as No. VII, first printed by Friedrich Schlegel and Ludwig Tieck in 1802 (all gentlemen were Romantics, of course…)
² Scheibe, S., Freund, A. M., & Baltes, P. B. (2007). “Toward a developmental psychology of Sehnsucht (life longings): The optimal (utopian) life.” in Developmental Psychology, 43(3), 778-795.
The “6 core characteristics” of longing were again specifically named in this article by Baltes’ colleague Prof. Dr. Alexandra M. Freund from the Psychological Institute of the University of Zurich (German language only).
³ Incidentally, this quote comes from the author and coach Tim Schlenzig, who founded the personality development platform myMONK.
Thanks to Muse Nina for the inspiration behind this Entry and also thanks to Smiln32/Carla Bosteder on Pixabay for the AI-generated photo!