Storm from the depths
December is here – and I suppose I should be blogging about something harmonious now, like tranquil snowy landscapes, hours spent by the fireplace and the sound of jingling bells.
But the world is not particularly harmonious these days, it seems to me – and above all: even at the end of the year, it certainly doesn’t come to a standstill, but rather continues to spin merrily on into the next cycle, whatever that may hold.
The same is true of Polyamory, which is constantly evolving and becoming more differentiated; sometimes in less fruitful directions, which challenge even me to take a clearer stance, as happened in the penultimate Entry – but sometimes there is also a remarkable synthesis of insights – gained in different places – that help to provide greater perspective in the colourful universe of multiple relationships.
Such an event of the latter kind has occurred in such a way that I would like to update my bLog-book, which I have been faithfully recording here for almost seven years now – for your support out there and for even better conversations with each other.
One of the perennial topics in the context of Polyamory is certainly the issue of jealousy: whether it should even exist in polyamorous contexts, how to deal with it – if it does anyway –, and how those affected can find help, etc. pp….
And because it is such a perennial topic, I have already written two posts about it on this bLog, one on jealousy itself and one on envy, in order to more clearly differentiate certain feelings of rejection and competition from “classic jealousy“.
And then there is the notorious “attachment theory“ devised by J. Bowlby and M. Ainsworth, which, since the publication of Jessica Fern’s book “Polysecure – Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy“ in September 2022¹ once again had a significant influence on the way (romantic) ties in multiple relationships are perceived. This was a relevant and necessary step, because there had already been rumblings about this in the (multiple) relationship background for quite som time – to the extent that even on my bLog, Bowlby’s ideas had already been mentioned in June 2019 in Entry 14 on the quality characteristics of committed romantic relationships.
In order to gather these ideas in one place, I wrote the somewhat lengthy Entry 112 in April of this year, in which I briefly and comprehensively outlined the main tenets of the attachment theory – as Jessica Fern had done in her book as well.
And in this Entry, I would like to refer to this – which, in the worst case, should prompt you, the readers, to click back and forth between the two Entries – but at least it should spare me from having to explain it all again here in the same depth as I did there.
So let’s move closer to the synthesis:
In my Jealousy-Entry 36, in agreement with Swiss psychologist Verena Kast, I use the word “resentment“ (from the French re-sentir, “to feel again“) for the first time on my blog to describe “the repeated reliving and reminiscing of certain relationship experiences“, to which Mrs. Kast adds: “The powerlessness to act, which has led to the development of a resentment, becomes clearly visible. People feel helpless, trapped, defenceless.“
According to Bowlby and Ainsworth’s attachment theory, these two researchers postulate in turn that the “relationship experiences“ cited by Mrs Kast are, however, already made (and memorised!) at a very early stage, namely at the beginning of our childhood in regard to our closest caregivers at that time. Bowlby and Ainsworth were able to prove, using their 4-factor matrix of attachment styles (see Entry 112 or “Polysecure“ or Wikipedia – HERE), that as a result, probably only a few adults have what is known as “secure attachment“, but many of us probably walk through everyday life and our relationships with “dismissive/avoidant“, “anxious-preoccupied“ or downright “fearful/disorganised“ attachment styles.
In agreement with Bowlby/Ainsworth and Jessica Fern… – but what does that mean again?
Nothing less than the fact that we carry early childhood experiences within us, according to which our former caregivers either acted dismissively/distantly at a moment when we needed them most (e.g. by simply not being physically present or downplaying a situation [“Stay calm, it’s not that bad…“]), or they were merely ambivalent and therefore unpredictable, sometimes offering praise, sometimes reprimands or “conditions“ for their affection (often: demands regarding appearance, behaviour, performance), or they even (ab)used their position of power as the only available source of love to inflict traumatic distress on us beyond what a small child’s mind could comprehend.
According to further research by psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, we carry the effects of the attachment experiences listed above – including their possible injuries and limitations (listed in the second part of my Entry 112 or also in “Polysecure“) – into our adult lives, when we eventually set out to find one (or more) “attachment figures“ of our own with whom we want to share our lives. The general definition of “attachment figure“ is fairly concise: »An attachment figure is a person with whom another person has a special personal relationship. Trust, identification, love and affection characterise such a relationship. Physical contact, such as stroking or cuddling, can also be part of it.« But even the group of people with whom one would share these prerequisites within a monogamous model would certainly be rather small.
Hence, when it comes to Polyamory, it is once again Ms Fern who has recognised the crucial importance of the topic of the “attachment figure”. She introduces the third main section of her book in Chapter 7 with the following important differentiation:
»Up until this point I have predominantly used the umbrella term non-monogamy when talking about people with multiple partners, but as we saw in Chaper Four, people who are non-monogamous can be quiet varied in the ways they practice having multiple partners. As we move further in the disvussion of how to be polysecure, I talk specifically about people who are practising polyamory. Polyamory is commonly defined as being the practise of having romantic love based relationships with more than one person, and we can add that it is also the form of non-monogamy where people have multiple romantic attachment figures.«
And now some of my more avid readers may already be beginning to grasp the significance of applying Bowlby’s attachment theory to the multiple attachment figure model of Polyamory in this way.
So let’s play it out in relationship situations:
– when my favourite person turns to someone else
– when another person joins a group of people who are already connected/attached (and ‘group’ can even mean two people).
Suddenly, they burst forth with incomprehensible intensity – the “resentments“ mentioned at the beginning: overwhelming feelings (and please remember: on this blog, I use “feeling” as a combination of “triggering emotional stimulus“ plus “evaluation in the mind“) of insecurity, anger, sadness or fear. Harrowing impulses that can manifest themselves as feelings of rejection, resentment, humiliation, hurt, inferiority or loss. These can even extend to somatic (stress) reactions, including the sensation of physical pain. Some feel like punching a hole in the wall, some want to run away, while others just wish to hide under the covers and cry…
Does any of this sound familiar?
Exactly! These are the ( behavioural) effects described by Bowlby and Ainsworth regarding unreliable caregivers.²
So even though we may have consciously agreed to consensual ethical non-monogamy in a relationship network (which can also only consist of two people), our somatic system may unconsciously switch to the highest level of emergency alert when a further “relationship incident“ occurs, signalling: THIS is exactly like back then, when our caregivers a) were not available to us, b) acted inconsistently/unpredictably, c) caused us to suffer, even though they were our source of love!
And in its wounded logic, this mechanism is to a large extent justified: although we are adults today, we may literally experience a beloved person turning to someone else, previously established routines are being disrupted, and perhaps we are having to temporarily cope with less one-to-one love/attention than before.
Insertion ( and to avoid the Entry becoming too long again):
What I consider so remarkable about this “cross-linking of findings and ideas“ is that there will probably be jealous (possessive) and envious (spiteful) people out there. But presumably to a much lesser extent than has previously been assumed; and if so, then likely in numbers roughly equivalent to, for example, narcissistic (self-centred [not used pathologically here!]) individuals.
However, the significantly larger proportion of “jealous“ or “envious“ resentments, especially those experienced in romantic relationships, is much more likely to be attributed to impaired attachment behaviour; the unfavourable mechanisms that we have carried over into our adult lives for further (intimate) attachment forming – as well as the weaknesses that these unfavourable – i.e. “insecure“ – mechanisms entail (meaning that even a single “trigger“ can very quickly lead to severe emotional distress).
Oh dear, so here we are with our “new insight”…
But what can we do?
The most important thing, in my opinion, is that we all treat each other with even greater understanding based on this realisation. In polyamorous contexts, jealousy and envy (often referred to as “being unable to let others have what they want“) are already very sensitive topics. Pages upon pages of advice have been written both online and offline, and even I have contributed to this.
However, this insight proves once again that this is not a case of deliberate, malicious, destructive mastermind-like behaviour on our part or that of our loved ones.
In fact, quite a few of us are simply poor sods when it comes to love and relationships – and unfortunately somewhat broken.
And those affected are the least to blame for this – which is why the pitiless phrase “That’s your problem – YOU need to work on it“, which is still too often wielded in polyamorous contexts, regularly frightens and saddens me.
For in fact, there is something we can do together. And I already hinted at this in Entry 112 on attachment types: we can stabilise deficient attachment styles, perhaps even change them, by gaining different relationship experiences today than those we had in the past.
Jessica Fern herself identifies two important characteristics that “secure attachments“ should feature: the concepts of “safe haven“ and “secure base“.
A “safe haven“ is a relationship when it is a place of refuge for us “just as we are“. It is a place where we are loved, comforted, where we can speak our minds and receive reassurance, where we can let ourselves go (and are held), where our nerves can calm down, where we are not judged and where we are told: It is wonderful and important that you exist!
A “secure base“ is a place where we are encouraged, for example, by having our visions and projects supported, where we can talk about our plans and receive positive input, where people tell us what skills and options we have – perhaps also where they spur us on or slow us down according to our abilities, without making a big deal out of it…
With “safe haven“ and “secure base“, Mrs. Fern is referring to what I have been calling “reliability” and “predictability“ in my Oligoamory since the beginning of this bLog.
Because, to repeat: the goal should be the characteristics of secure attachment, in which a person (see Entry 112) can say about themselves:
“It’s relatively easy for me to get emotionally close to others.”
“I feel comfortable relying on others and having others rely on me.”
“I don’t worry about being alone or others not accepting me.”
Assuming the existence of a reliable ”safe haven” and a predictable ”secure base”, such a person will not doubt their self-worth (or even their ability to survive), even if a attachment figure turns away for a certain period of time. S*he will not doubt the information given to her in good faith, s*he will not constantly overthink it, and thus will not resort to micromanagement. And if something unpleasant does happen to her, s*he can address it directly, identify the source, and stand up for her*himself.
At this point, that may sound rather idealistic to some of us. And believe me, as an anxious preoccupied person myself, I know that it truly is.
However, our brain is something truly remarkable: researchers are now quite certain that some of the “dents“ that have become ingrained there will unfortunately never go away; nor can they really be “overwritten“, as some teachings promise. But thanks to neural plasticity and our lifelong ability to learn, alternative experiences can be reinforced until our last breath, until they easily surpass the intensity of old scars in terms of scope and potential (in Entry 36, I use the image of different “paths“ that are either no longer used or are traced for the first time).
If anyone has been paying close attention up to this point, they might now ask the question: “But what about the other people and the fulfilment of needs in Entry 118? Surely it can never be truly credible for our system if (only) the other people in our relationships are supposed to be our ‘safe haven’ and ‘secure base’ – don’t we have to find this strength within ourselves?“
Then I say, “Of course!“ That’s why Jessica Fern is already talking about how the relationships – in which we have a stake! – should manifest this characteristic, which would make us active and responsible co-creators of the havens and bases that need to be established there ( after all, the other participants also want to “call in“ or “take off“ from us as well…!). [In the third part of her book, she also provides a number of helpful ideas on this topic, which I don’t want to spoil here on the bLog.]
Yes, and ultimately… …there is, of course, a somewhat wistful part of the task that only each individual can actually perform on and with themselves. This is what I mean by the term “inner self-guidance“, as described by trauma therapist Maria Sanchez in Entry 98³. It is the path to gradually making peace with one’s own little orchestra of inner critics, dictators and seducers, despite the damage suffered in our childhood due to inattentive or self-centred caregivers. Just like with long-time neighbours who still live on the same street as you – but today we leave our bike wherever we want to. And since we weren’t wrong back then (either!), it’s definitely spot on today…
It is precisely this kind of inner peace that we need to strengthen, especially now that we understand even better how closely our ability to create attachments “inwardly“ is linked to our ability to create attachments “outwardly“ – above all, to our loved ones.
I wish you a peaceful conclusion to 2025 – hopefully surrounded by your loved ones (however large or small that circle may be).
Best wishes,
Oligotropos
¹ Jessica Fern: “Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-monogamy“, Scribe UK, 2022;
² Observations by Ainsworth and Bowlby showed that a baby or toddler, for example, has more or less only two possible reactions: freeze/flight – i.e. to cease their efforts and ‘freeze’, or become catatonic (since ‘escaping’ from the situation is usually physically impossible) in order to preserve (survival) energy, or fight/intensify (and ‘fighting’ is again physically impossible) in order to increase the chance of being noticed after all [intensified calling / wailing)].
³ From: YouTube: “Transgenerational Trauma, Maria Sanchez in an interview with Simon Rilling“ (25 October 2022) [only in German language]
Additional thanks to Mrs. Sanchez for her online therapy services, from which I quote excerpts in my Entry (my household has duly paid for access to the relevant content).
Other authors also emphasise empowerment through „inner child work“, currently well known in German-speaking countries is Stefanie Stahl’s “The Child In You: The Breakthrough Method for Bringing Out Your Authentic Self“, Penguin Life 2021
Thanks to Jason Hudson on Unsplash for the photo!