How was that about Polyamory? – or –
Why Oligoamory was created
Sitting on the beach of the remote island of Oligoamory, I regularly gaze out at the tides of the vast ocean of relationships that wash around the numerous isles of the versatile archipelago of Polyamory. Boat traffic out there has actually increased a little lately – I now regularly spot rafts, canoes and entire ships bearing the identification “CNM“ or “ENM“ under their nameplates. It took me a little while to figure out that these abbreviations, which usually indicate where the vehicle is registered – essentially “under which colours“ it is travelling – stand for “Consensual Non-Monogamy“ and indeed even for “Ethical Non-Monogamy“.
“There you are“, I think to myself, “here’s a development in the making – more guests in the archipelago!“
Curious as I am – and blessed with quite a bit of leisure time on my island – I observe the colourful crowd of new arrivals with my usual inquisitiveness. After a while, however, I begin to notice patterns that make me wonder whether the crews of these little crafts have really consciously set course for the waters of Polyamory – or what the actual reason for their presence here might be. For there is something so peculiar about their vessel’s movements that, although it is still discernible that what is happening on board is more or less explicitly a form of “open relationship“, the situation appears to be significantly less certain in terms of consensus or even ethics – at least from my perspective as an observer.
For a while, I keep thinking: “Hey, these are modern times, and they’re young people in the prime of their lives. It’s understandable that they need to ride the polyamorous wave in their own way.“ And, after all, I’ve written often enough on this bLog that multiple relationships should also fit into one’s own day-to-day life…
But then again, when the first near-collisions and injuries inevitably occur out there, I am actually tempted to light a beacon, perhaps improvise a few buoys from some canisters, to at least give the people out there some indication of how they could better stay on course. And then it occurs to me that I possess hardly any maritime training myself and have primarily come to this placed to be a researcher and observer, which limits me to what I have been doing with some tenacity for over six years now: calling attention to the island of Oligoamory and entrusting messages in bottles with Entries from this bLog book to the high seas.
Well, so be it.
Two styles of travelling that I am increasingly observing – and why I consider them to be an unfavourable course to follow:
1) ‘Serial Polyamory’
The phenomenon of serial Polyamory was already described by E. Rickert and F. Veaux in their 2014 book on Polyamory, ”More than Two” ¹. Actually, the two terms already seem to sound paradoxical when used in context with each other. Couldn’t serial relationships also be pursued within a monogamous environment? Or rather: that’s practically more or less monogamish, isn’t it? Yes and no. Rickert and Veaux refer to this type of non-monogamous relationship in the chapter where they discuss the termination of relationships. Which, after all, can also happen within multiple relationships, since everything in life is ultimately finite.
However, personal identification with a lifestyle of ethical multiple relationships now theoretically allows for an approach that would enable all romantic relationships one has ever entered into to continue to exist side by side ad infinitum (in contrast to “serial monogamy“ which would essentially represent a chain of individual relationships ‘strung together’ one after another).
But (unfortunately), this would also make it possible to never really deal with the end of a relationship once it has been entered into!
Such “circumvention“ is often justified to one’s own conscience by combining it with the misapplied “needs model“ that I have so often criticised, thereby easing one’s conscience: Since loving relationships are added to fulfil various needs (…because no one single person can eeeeeeever fulfil all your needs… [my criticism of this approach runs throughout this entire bLog!]), you never know when you might be seized by a longing for trips to East Africa, kitesurfing, fusion cuisine or BDSM – so even if your own interest in one of these areas (and the attached loved one with whom you pursued it) is currently waning: Stick it on the shelf, in case you ever feel the “need“ for it again at some point in your life – after all, such a waste – and you’d be pretty stupid to banish that person from your life entirely. “We’ll stay in touch, you know we’re in a polyamorous relationship, but right now I’m deepening my relationship with XYZ (insert current interest and associated accomplice here), so it’s cool that you’re still one of my favourite people, remember…?“ is what it says at the end – which, cleverly played out in this way, doesn’t represent a straightforward ending – even though that’s most likely what it is in reality.
Additionally, you can skilfully manoeuvre your way around treating your partner, who has been “put on the shelf” in this way, with respect and as an equal – and also, what is even more important for the psyche of those involved, around the oh-so-annoying grieving process when times, things and commonalities come to an end.
Speaking of “shelves“… Incidentally, this phenomenon already has a name, which was ironically diverted to describe a certain monogamous dating behaviour: It is called “benching“ and means something like “to send someone to the sidelines” / “to put something/-one on the back burner“ (the metaphor originally stems from the sporting world). Because, honestly, that’s just what it is: “Before you commit yourself forever, check whether you can find something better“, as the saying goes – and “benching” is precisely the tactic of sticking a (merely) reasonably interesting person “into the penalty box” or rather “on the shelf“ (and keeping them there “in store“) while hopefully continuing to search for someone even more compatible. Serial Polyamory is exactly the same approach, translated into the world of not-so-ethical multiple relationships, a place where the “many loves“ never have to end…
2) ‘Parallel Polyamory’
Even more frequently than vessels travelling on the serial course, I have recently encountered an increasing number of crafts navigating on parallel courses. There, too, I repeatedly encounter the aforementioned ”(pseudo)needs model” as justification: “Why take Fritzi along kitesurfing when Fritzi doesn’t like kitesurfing? I go with Skylar, have a good time – and Fritzi can pursue other interests during that time – it’s basically a win-win-win situation…“
However, that is not where it ends:
“And Fritzi doesn’t nag me and Skylar about our kitesurfing in this way – and when I hang out with Fritzi in the basement later, tinkering on our model railway project, Skylar in turn knows that there will be a few hours of radio silence because it’s not really any of his*her business what we’re doing in there.“
Inquiering into this status quo the answer often sounds somehow like that: “Well, if Skylar would really try to impose herself during model railway time, that would be a severe sign of some kind of jealous power play…“ “Yeah, quite needy and a distinct touch co-dependent…“
But no problem – parallel Polyamory can take care of that too: to nip something so unnecessary in the bud, the people involved simply don’t even need to know each other! A quick check at the Wikipedia page on Polyamory to ascertain whether this would still be hunky-dory: Cool, yes, it just states something about “mutual agreement” (i.e. “consensual”) and a bit about „communication“, “honesty”, “non-possessiveness” and “compersion”.
Great, so everything done right: I had agreed with Skylar at the time that we wanted to open up our relationship to other romantic partners (✔️Check: consensual!).
AND when I started my romantic relationship with Fritzi, I informed Skylar that I was now in a romantic relationship with Fritzi as well – and of course, when I fell in love with Fritzi, I immediately told him*her that I was already in a romantic relationship with Skylar (✔️Check: communication, honesty, and a first-rate chance to express non-possessiveness and compersion!).
Indeed, just recently, one of the boats that came dangerously close to a reef off the coast of the oligomeric island – and whose crew I urgently advised that, for heaven’s sake, all crew members should get to know each other for the benefit of better communication – that very crew yelled back at me: “Where does it say that everyone has to know each other? Nothing dictates that…!”
And, blimey: they were right, as they turned into the increasingly blustery gale – and I stood on the beach, wringing my hands, studying the confirming facts on my rain-dripping tablet – even still desperately calling up Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart’s polyamorous debut manifesto “A Bouquet of Lovers” ª from 1990, where – how could that be true??? – as it happens there was nothing about it either…
I had to sit back in my biosphere with a hot cup of Earl Grey in my hand and a towel wrapped round my shoulders (and surrounded by my loved ones) before I could sort out my thoughts.
Because, of course, there was nothing about it there.
Because Morning Glory and Oberon Raven-Zell would not have considered it necessary to lose a word about it.
For throughout their lives, they were surrounded by community, by their loved ones and cherished people. Everything they thought, did and implemented took place within a context of togetherness, belonging and community – that in their minds dated back much further than the concept of Polyamory itself.
Since my 26th Entry, I have been lamenting, along with anthropologist Jean Liedloff² and educational scientist Daniel Hess³, the modern “Reality of Separation” in our Western industrial society. In which we “compartmentalise” our essentially comprehensively constituted existence, i.e. divide it into individual aspects, in order to make it more manageable for us in everyday lives. But already in Entry 6, I attempt to use a symbolic story to illustrate that in the realm of romantic loving relationships, we repeatedly encounter the threshold of the original “continuum”, which reveals that there are aspects of being human that simply cannot be readily subjected to such kinds of “splitting”.
Morning Glory and Oberon Raven-Zell were well aware of this. Morning Glory had experienced this in her spiritual, neo-pagan ritual circles, Oberon through the books of science fiction author Robert Heinlein (see in particular my Entry 49 on the “History of Polyamory”): People in relationships are no longer autonomous islands or solo instruments. They unite to create a consonance, stepping back from their individuality to work together to achieve something that ultimately exceeds the sum of its parts.
For Morning Glory, this experience came from activities in her witches’ covens, where the generated group energy could literally change (existing) reality under the words “Perfect Love and Perfect Trust” (even in very practical ways, such as campaigns for women’s freedom or the blockade of a nuclear facilities).
For Oberon, it was Heinlein’s compelling descriptions of how living beings in adverse environmental conditions put aside trivialities such as ethnic origin, privileged upbringing or level of education in order to grow together in the face of shortages and obstacles, to develop a sense of belonging and affiliation – thereby generating astonishing added value.
When he and Morning Glory finally founded their first own kind of collective in 1962 with the “Church of All Worlds“, they even adopted some of Heinlein’s phrases from his novel “Stranger in a Strange Land“ (1961): The “water brothers” (a quasi-family of choise, with whom one literally shares the necessities of life), for example, and the “nests” as a generic term for the emerging group structures. And in general the word “nest” is usually associated mainly with a reasonably secure and cosy structure containing some cute chicks – but it’s verb form “to nest / being nested” it goes much further, as it means something like “interwoven/intertwined”.
Which brings me full circle back to the idea that we connect and intertwine our lives with each other in romantic relationships. How much more true is this with regard to Oligo- and Polyamory, those truly “ethical” multiple relationships, if they deserve to be called that?
Anyway, when Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart (see also Entry 113) therefore eventually used the word “polyamorous” concerning multiple relationship contexts for the first time, “connectedness”, “belonging” and “knowing each other” were already inherent characteristics. For Polyamory was intended to be a “facilitator” precisely for such cases – as I have already mentioned on this blog – when, in circles, groups or “nests” – in which all participants already knew each other and acted collectively – romantic relationships began to blossom between “more than just two” participants (or between more than those who were perhaps already legally bound).
Thus, in my interpretation and understanding, “knowing each other” or at least “getting to know each other” is – and always has been – another cornerstone of Polyamory, closely linked to the aforementioned mutual consent, compersion, trust and, therefore, honesty.
In my view, parallelism is therefore a hapless substitute: on the one hand a surrender to the fate of our (separative) present – but on the other hand also often an unconscious complacency towards the call to improve our self-concept, which, according to Morning Glory and Oberon Zell-Ravenheart, was actually meant to be part of their Polyamory by means of self-actualisation as described e.g. by Abraham Maslow.
Equality, mutual respect, tolerance, empathy and solidarity? Those are important polyamorous virtues that need to be applied to our loved ones as well as reflected back on us as part of the same (multiple) relationship, so that everyone involved benefits from them. Originally incorporated into the polyamory framework incidentally as values of humanistic psychology with the recognition that in striving for the ideal self, everyone needs help to achieve their full potential (Carl Rogers: “On Becoming a Person”, 1961).
And it is precisely this help that is provided to us in the shape of our loved ones, who bring out the best in us.
For it is only together that we can surpass ourselves and create a world full of love and understanding for us all.
¹ Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux: “More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory”, Thorntree Press 2014
² Jean Liedloff: “The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost”, Penguin 1989
³ Daniel Hess: „Glücksschule – Glücklich leben & freudvoll lernen“ (“School of Happiness – Live Happily & Learn Joyfully”), [German version only] Novum Verlag, 2014
ª The text of the “Bouquet of Lovers” is available HERE.
Thanks to Eila, Rosalie and Stefan for the inspiration – and to Elsemargriet on Pixabay for the photo!